seasons, change and whatnot

(Please excuse this unorganized word vomit. I've found that in the last four months (one year, really), and especially since going back to work, my brain just isn't functioning as cohesively as I would like it to. Also excuse the smattering of pictures from the last two weeks. Can't help myself, and who wants to read words when there is a cute baby to look at?).

Every morning on my walk into work, I find myself thinking about an assortment of things, and often craft a blog post in my head. I tell myself I'll just type it up really quickly when I get to my desk (won't take more than 15 minutes, and I'm there hours before anyone else shows up around me), but when I sit down and open my computer there are at least twenty things that take my attention away. So, I don't type anything. Then I get home and have a couple hours to play with my girl, maybe get a quick snooze together, maybe make dinner, maybe do a load of laundry, wash bottles, etc. before I have to put her to sleep, at which point I too want to go to sleep (waking up at 5am and maybe once or more during the night sure does make me sleepy). So, no blogging for a while. Or, anything else for that matter. If you came to our house, you'd find dog hair all over the floor (no time for mopping or vaccuuming), always at least a couple dishes waiting to be done, laundry piled up (at least in neat piles!), and toilets that haven't been cleaned in who knows how long. It's a victory if I've cobbled together dinner of some sort for Peter and I. Thank heavens for crock pots!

That being said, I find myself liking this whole "working mom" thing a whole lot more than I thought I would. Obviously, I miss my baby dreadfully and wish I could be with her all the time, but it's nice to feel... I don't know - valued? NOT meant to insinuate that mommas who get to stay home during the days with their babies are not doing something valuable - it's a club I wish I could belong to full time, but certainly going to the office and working and bringing in a paycheck has value all of its own. Our family doesn't have a choice at the moment. Mortgage and bills mean we both work. So I've chosen to have a good attitude about it and be thankful for my job and what it means. Further - it's nice to pull myself together every day, wear professional clothes (and heels!) and interact with adults on a daily basis. Plus, I feel like I've joined this little club, the subsection of mamas who are "working mamas." Women who fully understand what it is like to be torn right down the middle, with your heart in one place but your brain forced to be in another place all together. Women who are forced to "fake it til you make it" in terms of the elusive notion of "having and doing it all." Two weeks in and I've learned to multi-task better than I ever thought I could. Pump at work while catching up on emails? Doing it twice a day. Wash bottles while finishing dinner while wearing a baby in wrap. Done it (only no baby in the kitchen while knives are being used or anything hot is on the stove... I'm a little paranoid about that!). Wake up at 5am, jump into the shower, get bottles ready, leave notes for baby sitters, change diapers, drink coffee and eat breakfast while feeding the babe? Must do it. Not that I'm not frazzled at the end of the day, but my point is that I AM doing it. I have yet to tackle working from home - throwing that in the mix next week, but I remain optimistic that somehow in a 15 hour day I will be able to commit at least 8 to returning emails, building spreadsheets, selling product, etc... We'll see. :) I am certainly not trying to lift myself up or be boastful, but acknowledge that this new chapter in my life, this new season, is not the end of my happiness or functional life, as I was so fearful it would be.

Speaking of new chapters and changing seasons - tomorrow is September 11, 2011. This means it's been ten years since that defining day for America. September 11th holds a new meaning for me this year, as it's also the anniversary of finding out that Eleanor would be joining our family. What a strange notion that we will be be celebrating and mourning this anniversary simultaneously.

Ellie is waking up from a nap on her daddy. I can hear them talking to each other, and my heart melts. Love them.