Just because

Eleanor's learning how to have friends. Although, I think we still need to teach her a thing or two about boundaries. :) (thanks Kelli for the pics!)

18 weeks

Here we are at 18 weeks, and I'm resigned to the fact that I'm going to get fat. Not pregnant fat, but fat fat, because apparently, that's what my body does when it tries to grow babies. Luckily, it has *so far* done it's job with the baby growing, so I really can't complain about the fat (although, I hear that it's a lot harder to lose the second time around. Oh well). Last time I outweighed by 6 foot tall husband by probably 20 lbs by the time delivery came; hopefully I can keep that number down by at least 10 lbs this time around. :)

Other notable things of late: 

-I seem to get all the non-scary (I suppose the word "scary" is debatable) side effects and symptoms. Meaning, nothing that seems to be life threatening to myself or this baby, but certainly pain-in-the-rear symptoms. Including: varicose veins which rival my father's (and by that I mean all up and down my leg and snakelike), extended vomiting (well past that lovely 12 week mark when it's "supposed" to go away... I count it a blessing that it's only a couple times a week now), restless legs, headaches, heartburn, massive amounts of fatigue, stretch marks, etc. 

-I'm not the kind of pregnant lady that dresses cute. I wear my husband's pajama pants, sweatshirts and tshirts around the house, and my outside wardrobe consists of leggings and some top which hopefully a) covers my rear and b) is weather appropriate. I suppose if I was working this might be different, but being home with an active kid coupled with my extreme laziness fatigue, and well, I just don't care.

-I also don't care about things that normal mom's-to-be seem to be focused on. I'm not sure if this speaks to being level-headed, or lazy, or not being "mom enough" but things like: decorating the nursery, following the "rules" when it comes to food/drink, genetic testing, etc just doesn't interest me. I'll prepare for this baby in my own way: wash the onesies and receiving blankets, clean and install the carseat, figure out the diaper situation and prepare for that, and line up a sitter for Ellie for delivery day. In the meantime, I'll eat whatever I want, enjoy a small glass of wine here and there, and eschew blood tests and ultrasounds in lieu of trying to relax. I'm wondering if this kind of nonchalant attitude is a result of being detached from the pregnancy and is indicative of a greater problem, or is just a result of being a second time mom (although - I didn't do a whole lot more than this the first time around). 

-There have been a lot of facebook announcements about new babies lately. While I may feel detached from this pregnancy, I am SO, SO excited for the big day. Can't wait.

-I had my first real emotional breakdown the other day. The tears came and could not be stopped, no matter how hard I tried. For HOURS. While the situation which triggered the tears was real and valid, the ongoing nature of the tears was obviously hormonal in nature. What a trip to experience that kind of emotional outpouring. I'm not sure I've ever had that experience, and I could go a long, long time without experiencing it again. Being completely out of control of my emotions is new to me.

-I'm pretty sure I finally weaned El. She wasn't getting much, if anything, and was only nursing once or twice a day, and I was finally ready. While I didn't meet my ultimate goal of letting her self-wean, I'm completely at peace with how it played out. She's asked to nurse a couple times over the last five days or so, and I let her, but then she's not interested (probably because she isn't getting any milk). It gives me comfort feeling the peace with this decision - my fear was that we'd wean and I'd end up regretting it shortly after, and luckily I've had no regrets yet. 

-I'm huge. HUGE! I'll take a picture this weekend when I'm all dressed up for our annual Christmas party, but man, do I look well into my third trimester.

That's it for the updates. :) Trying to be better about documenting this pregnancy! 

Let's Go There Together

I'm an anxious person. I've never done well away from my family (and I don't really mean when we're separated by hundreds or thousands of miles. I mean when we're not all physically together in the same room). It was tough to be a kid of divorced parents. I was always afraid one of them would die while I was at the other's house. That kind of anxiety doesn't ease up when one grows up and the reality of the world sets in. After 9/11 I was always, always looking for the nearest exit. I still do this, almost every time I got,  somewhere. I mentally seek out "safe" places to hide and try to have an exit plan. I've yet to go to a movie after this summer's shooting in Aurora, and I'll be honest - having tickets to The Hobbit for opening weekend this coming Sunday (like I do), stresses me out. My heart will be pounding the whole time I'm in the theater. 

I left work partially because of my anxieties. Being away from my baby, my flesh and blood, was literally paralyzing some of the time. Every single night for the past 19 months, without fail, before I give in to sleep I lay awake thinking about terrible things happening that night and how I could rescue my girl. I imagine bad guys invading the house from different entrances, and figure out where I'd go to escape. I envision earthquakes and mentally calculate how long it would take for me to get to her before a tree falls on her crib. I'm positive I'd beat the force of gravity. I even think about hurricanes or flash floods or nuclear attacks and try to prepare for how I'd handle those things. 

Today in Connecticut, parents are having to live every parent's absolute worst nightmare. People all over the world are watching the news and crying. Normally, I'm glued to the TV in the wake of a tragedy. Today, I simply can't. I'm so heavy hearted with grief and sadness, and I can barely see straight with anger. I'm angry at that shooter, but I'll admit it: I'm irate with the government today, with Congress and with our President who have yet to even discuss gun control in the wake of this horribly violent year. And I'm angry with our citizens, with my neighbors and friends and family, who continually say "now is not the time." The White House has released a statement saying "today is not the day for gun control debate."

When is the time? 

When will we not be in the wake of a tragedy? Certainly not yesterday, when we were fresh off a shooting spree in a mall in Portland. Today is too late.

Call me tacky to bring this up on the internet today. But children died today and it's time to address this issue. (Along with others, such as mental health care).

Guns are designed to kill. Yep, tragedies would still happen without such easy access, but isn't it our responsibility to each other to make it more difficult to allow these things to happen? Rocks aren't designed to kill, nor are steak knives, nor are vehicles. Guns are. And almost every mass homicide this year in the United States involved a handgun. The US has twice the murder rate as the rest of the first world. 

More people having access to guns will not lower the violence or these incidents. Remember when four police officers were killed in a coffee shop by a man with a gun? Police officers, men and women trained in shooting and each with multiple guns on their body, and they could not stop the attack or alter the outcome. Yesterday in Michigan a law was passed allowing guns in schools, churches and daycares.  Is this the world we really live in? Where Congress will bring a record number of bills to the table in one year attempting to restrict a woman's control over her own body, but not one SINGLE bill or even attempted discussion on gun control? Where we'll debate the damned fiscal cliff without budging one inch, pointing fingers and acting like children on both sides while almost an entire classroom of actual children is murdered by what is reported to be "at least a hundred rounds" fired by a legal .223 caliber rifle days before Christmas?

I'm not really a gun control advocate. I'm an anti-massacre activist. And I suspect you are too.

Signing off to be with my babies.

slow mornings

Since I've been pregnant, mornings seem to creep by at a snails pace. I'm always too tired and sick to do much of anything, so as a result Ellie watches episode after episode of whatever's on PBS (or, her "D's" as she lovingly refers to her Baby Einstein DVD collection). I'm 16 1/2 weeks along now, and even though I'm still sick, I can finally stomach a couple ounces of coffee in the morning, and it definitely seems to help shake the fogginess (which is only getting worse with the lovely December weather).

So here we are, Ellie snacking on whatever I can pull together for breakfast, me trying to focus my eyes on the morning news updates on the computer, the sound of a D in the background, and it's somehow just perfect. Luckily, she's gotten used to this, so doesn't protest too much. I keep telling myself "this too shall pass" and someday she'll no longer be watching the ungodly amount of television that she's been watching lately, but deep down, I wonder if that's actually true. Let's be real: my parenting life is only going to get more difficult before it gets any easier.

(Just paused to run to the bathroom, heaving. Came back to find Ellie drinking my lukewarm coffee straight out of my mug. Gross for both of us).

We've had a pretty stressful month around here, but I'm finally starting to slowly get into the holiday spirit. I figure this is the last year I can do totally bare bones minimal for El before she wakes up to the fact that Christmas is obviously all about presents, and more = better. For now, she's going to be content getting crayons, sippy cups and big girl training pants from Santa. (speaking of undies, she's totally asking to be potty trained. She's ready and I am so not).

(Pause again when she comes up to me for a snuggle, saying "mama!" as she leans her head into my chest. It would be so sweet (it really is so sweet), if I didn't quickly realize that she's got a massive diaper which needs changing. Coffee apparently works for toddlers too! Change diaper, run back to bathroom, heaving. Gross, again).

This pregnancy is simultaneously creeping and flying by. I'm huge, which makes me feel way further along than I am, but am still pretty functional. Bending over all the time and lifting up a 25 lb toddler seems to be wearing me down a lot faster than my almost 17 weeks of gestating would otherwise, and by the end of the day I am so incredibly sore and exhausted. I'm still quite nauseous and still throwing up, which is lovely (and normal for me), and starving all the time (which is also normal for me. Now I remember why I gained so much weight last time!). The sad thing is, I'm trying desperately to connect with this little fetus and seem to be having a hard time. My mind is otherwise preoccupied a lot of the day, and ultimately, when I think about the reality of having children, I'm pretty terrified. I think about how exhausting it must be, how little sleep I will get, how I will never, ever have even a moment of rest again. It's intimidating, and makes me wish I could stay pregnant forever - despite how much pregnancy and I disagree with each other. Rationally I know that when the day comes and this little one makes his/her appearance, my love for it will blossom out of thin air, and I will love it just as much as I love Ellie, but I cannot fathom how that's possible. It simply isn't, because I could never, ever love anything the way I love this girl next to me. So for now, I trust the words of all the mothers of 2+ who have come before me, and choose to believe that these feelings will come, and they will knock my socks off.

Okay. Gonna try to get this day started. Maybe a little second breakfast, maybe even a shower and then we're off to find compression nylons, which is just as fabulous as it sounds. :)

On the lovely first trimester

This'll probably be one of those posts that's mainly for my own sake, because even though at this moment I swear I'm never, ever having another baby, who honestly knows what the future holds? Also, maybe someone out there can find some something useful here.

I'd heard going into this that every pregnancy was different, and I was hopeful that this one might be a lot different than last. Unfortunately, I did zero documentation of my pregnancy with Ellie, so during those first couple of days & weeks that absolutely seem to DRAG on, I found myself once again googling "pregnancy symptoms at 4w5d." It's just nice to have reassurance that somebody out there had a similar twinge or backache, ya know?

Some of my symptoms are a little different this time around, but mostly, I'm dealing with the same things as last time. Maybe that means it'll be another girl?

So, here we go:

3 weeks:
-Before I found out I was pregnant, nursing suddenly became SO painful! We're talking, pain like in the first couple of days of the newborn stage. Even though Ellie's been a pro at latching on for, oh, 17 months, I found myself trying to unlatch and relatch her, and wondering what the heck?
-The day before the test finally turned positive (yeah, I'm a serial POAS-er. Even when we aren't trying), I was so, so exhausted. I kept complaining and telling Peter it felt like I was seriously hungover, or maybe pregnant?

4-6 weeks:
-Fatigue. Total exhaustion, lots of napping.
-Low back aches, constantly
-Stinky!! Hormones went crazy, and all of a sudden, I smelled like a teenage boy who hadn't showered all week.
-Cravings/food that sounds palatable: fruit, citrus, lemon/lemonade, cheese, mac & cheese, bagels & cream cheese, sausage, french fries, pizza, Mexican food, gatorade, sour candy
-Unappetizing food: dairy, caffeine, veggies, sweets, water
-must eat first thing in the morning
-dry, itchy, flaky scalp. Gross, gross
-nighttime insomnia
-insanely complicated and detailed dreams

7 - 12 weeks:
-Nausea. Round the clock and totally unrelenting. Less vomitting than last time, but possibly worse nausea. Totally debilitating
-Fatigue still there
-Back ache: check
-Started really showing around week 7-8
-No appetite, forcing food to keep stomach from going empty (makes my nausea way worse)
-Food: same as before. Also loving: grape juice
-Week 11: discovered Trader Joe's carbonated, unsweetened flavored water. Discovered I can drink the lemon flavor (0 cal!) and actually almost achieve hydration.

13 weeks:
-slightly less nausea
-slightly less fatigue.
-new food obsessions: guacamole. still loving french fries. chocolate milk shakes. Did I mention my intention to not gain 60+ lbs? Not sure how that's going to happen. :)
-headaches kicking in
-hungry!!

Hopefully I'll start documenting moving forward. :)

I disappeared, again...

Two years ago at this time, I disappeared from the blog for a couple of months. I reappeared with a quick little life update, ending with a picture quite similar to this: 

And, look! Lo and behold, it happened again. (yes, both the hiatus, and the fetus). 

(Funny little fact: not only did it happen again, but it... ahem... "happened" on the same date it happened two years ago. That puts baby 2.0 due exactly two years to the date after his/her big sister. I'm predicting May 16th, 2013). :)

We are so incredibly lucky to find ourselves, against the odds, in this position again. We're excited and totally just a little bit apprehensive about the reality that two children will bring. Mostly, we're just grateful at this opportunity and hopeful for a healthy baby. I cannot wait to do it all again.

Needless to say, our Fall season has been very low key. It turns out that I'm not that good at being pregnant. Granted, I've got a great record of making super babies, but man is this first trimester thing rough for me. Totally sick all the time, massive amounts of fatigue, back pain, body pain, moodiness, etc. Not to mention the HUGE belly I'm already sporting - they aren't kidding when they say you show sooner with your second! I'm pretty sure I popped out around 7 weeks. Pregnancy while "parenting" a toddler is quite an experience, and I use the word "parenting" lightly. :) Sweet Ellie is pretty bored these days - kicking her toys and throwing them across the room with a look of despair on her face once she realizes that, once again, our day will consist of watching an endless stream of Baby Einstein and PBS, me trying to convince her to take a second nap, and her eating french fries for lunch because that's the only thing which won't make me want to throw up. Wait - that last part makes her pretty happy. :) Every time Ellie naps, so do I, which means that I have little time for house cleaning, grocery shopping, and yes, showering. My mom has started offering to watch her so I can get a shower in, which is usually by the time the third or fourth day rolls around and  my hair is so greasy it looks like I dumped it in bacon grease. Thanks, Mom! 

seriously. 11 weeks pregnant - and yes, there's only one. Photobomb courtesy of my darling little sis.

What else? We've still managed to make some fun memories this fall. Maybe I'll blog about what we've been up to, but probably not. Halloween was incredibly adorable this year thanks to a sweet little ladybug. We celebrated our third wedding anniversary, and my nausea let up just enough to enjoy a fabulous Mediterranean dinner out. Lastly, this little thing called the election kept us glued to the news nightly, and gave us something to talk about ad nauseum. Poor Ellie. She was bored to begin with, and on top of it, she had to listen to her parents political ranting over dinner every night. Needless to say, and I won't spoil the results here: we WON, and last night was one of the happiest nights of our lives. Literally - it was probably among the top ten nights for me, and made so much better by the fact that I was able to celebrate and dance with my sweet girl when the race was called. She (and baby 2.0) are the reasons I'm on this planet, and I was waking up nightly with anxiety about the outcome prior to last night. I know the world isn't perfect, but where we can live in a place where we trust elected officials to have our backs and elect a Supreme Court which isn't threatening to make decisions about our bodies for us, and we can love the ones we are made to love - well, I'll rest a little easier. :)

There you go. A small update on our lives. Hopefully I won't disappear for the rest of this pregnancy, as I did with my last one! 

Update time, bullet style

How's THAT for a creative title? I think I probably should have just stuck to titling blog posts with the date back in the day, but now it's too late, and I'm left with lame titles like the above. Moving on...

It seems it's time for an update. The hard part about writing general "what's going on these days" updates, when one person in the family stays at home, one is a one-year old, and one has a job which requires him to work 7 days a week, is that our days start to run together in ways which are simultaneously somewhat boring and blissfully fulfilling. I think this is probably the way it is for most families though. :)

Let's get to it:

Summer:

It's almost over, sadly. Kids have gone back to school. Yet, we're stuck in that weather pattern (September in Seattle), which is essentially still summertime, only with cooler, autumnal nights. It's 80 degrees outside, but the way the sunlight hits the trees and the crispness of the evenings are playing tricks on my psyche. I don't want the summer to end - ever - but I've started to daydream about beef stew and fattening comfort food dishes and other fall-related things. Ellie and I had the best summer together, and I'm sad to see come to an end (or maybe just serious decrease) in our outlets of ways to entertain ourselves during the day. Yes, we can still play outside during the fall, winter and spring months, but it's not quite as easy, and not quite as fun for this mama. I've started collecting ideas of fun things to do with a toddler during the long grey PNW 3/4 of a year, but it's challenging. She's still putting everything into her mouth, which seems to limit our indoor activities slightly.... ideas welcome!

School:

Back-to-school's on my mind right now, for obvious reasons. I read too many mom bloggers & online articles than is good for me, and keep seeing people talking about putting their toddlers into "school." This is something I am SO NOT comfortable with, and by "this," I mean, the whole "school thing." Is it really time to think about school for Ellie? I think not yet, but then again, I really don't know anything about early education, and Washington State educational requirements. Heck, I don't even know the difference between preschool and pre-K (someone care to fill me in??). Here's what I believe, based on nothing but my own instincts: early education should be more about socialization than anything else. Anything "academic" she could and should be learning can come from me, just as easily. Plus, I'm a big believer that kids learn best (at least in early years) by exploratory, self-led play time. When I was a kid, we did one year of preschool, followed by kindergarten at age 5. It seems it isn't that way anymore? I'm seeing preschool start at 1-2, do that for a couple of years, pre-k start at 4, then kindergarten... I'm just not comfortable with that kind of structure in a kid's life, but I do worry that she could miss out on the social aspects of all this (or, heaven forbid, she misses out on the educational aspect and falls behind her peers, setting her up for a lifetime of educational struggle).

(Okay Jordan, I guess I need to talk to you about this... thoughts?)

Play:

Speaking of play - here's a new thing I've observed in Ellie lately. She is OBSESSED with babies. She wants to look at pictures of babies, points out babies when we go places, and loves, LOVES, baby dolls. This is interesting to me. Is this a gender role kind of thing, where she's drawn to playing with babies because she's a girl? I've always thought that gender-traditional play (ie, boys playing with trucks, girls with dolls) was  a result of kids being coaxed to gravitate towards those types of toys, either consciously or subconsciously by their parents or those around them. We definitely do not do that. Ellie has more trucks and cars than she has "girlie" toys, but time after time, she prefers her babies. (In fact, yesterday at Costco she had a total meltdown passing the Cabbage Patch Dolls display. Like a good parent who parents discipline effectively, I caved and got her one. But seriously - Cabbage Patch Dolls smell SO good!). I'm thinking that her gravitation towards dolls is likely due to a phase and not because she's a girl, but I guess we'll see. She's the most physically active little girl I know, and does loves balls and being rough & tumble, so it's not like she's being "traditional" in all senses. (and not that I have anything against her playing with dolls or her playing a traditional gender role [I play a very traditional gender role in our home] - I just want her to explore her preferences freely and without social constructs of what she "should" and "shouldn't" do, based on her gender).

Cats:

Sadly, the time has come to find them new homes. Here's what I wrote in an email:

Mary Bailey is a medium/long haired tri-colored, small adult female (spayed) and is likely part ragdoll. She's got a purr you can hear across the room, and is very sweet and content.  She's happy to go outside, but generally prefers to be snuggled up on a pile of pillows or clean laundry somewhere in the house. 

Janey is a short haired, dark grey and white, small adult female (spayed), with striking green eyes. She's very independent and loves to go outside, but is happy to find a good lap and cuddle as well. 

Both kitties are free to a good home. Both are house trained, and neither has ever had an accident in 6 1/2 years. They are very easy cats, and will make a great addition to your home! 

If anyone knows anyone looking for one or two great kitties in the Seattle area, please let me know!!

Lastly. Pictures. You're welcome! 

I *almost* purchased this incredibly ugly recliner at Costco. I know, it's hideous. But seriously, seriously comfortable and I have had it with the glider in Ellie's room. I fantasized about this recliner at 3am whilst rocking El back to sleep... maybe I'll have to go back. :)

park fun! 

Toddler shoes. So dang cute!

Indoor activity #1 for the fall: Library story time. She was captivated!

Why hadn't we grilled pizzas before? Use this recipe for crust, and her grilling technique. This was phenomenal. 

I got nothing. She's seriously the cutest.