And Just Like That

My first baby is two.

It's been quite a year for her. Unfortunately, it seems the majority of the year she was hanging out with a sick and exhausted pregnant mama, but despite endless loops of Baby Einstein, Sesame Street and Curious George, she's become quite a little girl.

At two, we can say for sure that she is smart, curious, strong-willed, funny, soft-hearted, tough, athletic, energetic, independent, and very loving. Even still, after having had her around for more than 733 days, I can confidently say that I continue to love her more every day. How is that possible? When does that stop? She's my life's joy and my whole heart, and her daddy's as well.

We celebrated her actual birthday in a very low key way. After waking her up with balloons and singing, we took her to a bouncy play house in the morning with her best friend Jake. Came home, took a nap, and after nap we went on a family walk. Peter took her to the park after that, and we grabbed some burgers as a family of four for dinner. At the end of the day, a package arrived from her Gramma in North Carolina - a brand new double stroller, which we quickly assembled and took for a test ride. Of course, we told her this was a birthday present (having nothing to do with our new addition) and she absolutely loves it.

Saturday was her party, and I use the word "party" pretty loosely. There was no decorations to speak of, no party planning stress on me, the one balloon we had was actually a birthday gift, and only one party guest her age (best friend Jake, once again came through!) but she had a blast, and so did the rest of us. We gathered at my mom's house with only immediate family and might-as-well-be-family close friends and watched the toddlers play with New Puppy for entertainment. I was willing to do the food, but my mom came through (as she always does, above and beyond) with burgers for the crowd, and my aunt provided some great side salads. We tested out the new blender my mom got by making pina coladas (yum!), the guys drank some beer, and I made a carrot cake with cream cheese frosting. It was perfect, and the kids had so much fun. Pretty sure New Puppy had fun too - he was exhausted by the time we left, as were we all.

Thankfully, once again, Kelli brought her fabulous camera and took some amazing pictures. She's a wonderful friend to me for more reasons than I can count, but one pretty great perk is that she's got a great camera and a great eye, and has taken pictures for us on some pretty monumental occasions (Ellie's First Birthday, Dash's actual birthday, etc). I'm so grateful for her - and the photos too! And because I couldn't decide which ones to use, forgive the photo overload. :) (also, it appears the lack of sleep is catching up to me, by way of bags under my eyes. Please forgive, and remember, I do have a newborn....)

Great Grandma Jean is the perfect baby-holder. She likes to sit, and Dash likes to be held!

I hope they're friends forever

The Entertainment

My mom's the best. Seriously.

Best friends. Again - please remember: I'm only slightly postpartum.

cracks me up. put her in a soccer jersey, and you have one of those little league trading card shots!

New Puppy love

Beautiful girl

Just pondering life

Likewise, pondering life

Believe it or not, it only took 4 weeks and 5 days to get a family pic of the four of us!

All in all, a great way to celebrate our great girl. Here's to starting our third year with her!

Reflective

It's been a quiet Friday night. My husband has taken a rare night off to go out on the town. I'm watching the kids.

Side note: how grownup does it sound to say, "I'm watching the kids." Yeah. If that doesn't reek of being a grown up, nothing does.

So I've spent the evening indulging in things I can never do when he's around: watching shows about shopping for wedding dresses while eating dark chocolate covered cherries. And, I'm getting quality snuggles in with my little guy, who I'm falling so in love with every day. He's just perfection: so deliciously sweet, so soft and all mine. I adore this baby. With Ellie, it was an intense and immediate attachment. With Dash, it's been a more gradual process of getting to know each other. I mean, it was three days until he was in my arms, and quite a few more than that before I was able to breastfeed, and even more until I felt like I could just be his mama in my own way. It took me time to learn what his cries even sounded like. But, we're there now. He can't even cry without my milk letting down immediately in a primal mothering response. Anyway, I digress.

I went back to the hospital today to return a breastpump that I'd rented while Dash was in the NICU. It was the first time I'd been back since we left (and seeing how many appointments I'd be going to before he was born, this was the longest I'd been away from those familiar sliding doors in quite a few months!) and it was strangely comforting. Like stepping into an old home. I know we were only there for 11 days, but once you go through that kind of initiation, it sticks with you.

I saw a dad wearing a NICU sticker, and the look in his eye was one that luckily, Peter and I'd been able to avoid during our stay. He looked stresses to the max, but worse, he looked scared. I tried to make small talk, and asked how he was doing. He implied that he wasn't doing so well, and I asked if he had a baby in the NICU. He then told me that she was being transferred shortly to Children's.

Children's is never where you want to have a child, but having an infant transferred from a level III NICU (meaning, the highest level of care available) to Children's means your baby is very, very critical. I can't imagine.

When I left the hospital, I saw the Children's ambulance outside the loading area, and said a prayer for the baby and her family. I've thought about them all day. Will you say a prayer too, or send some positive thoughts for them? I'll never see them again, but they've been weighing on my heart. And the contrast between our experiences was highlighted in such a way that at that moment, any sadness I had that we had a rocky start went out the door. Yes, it was rough. But we were never scared.

I spent some time tonight researching what Respiratory Distress Syndrome (Dash's diagnosis) really means, and the treatment of it, the long-term effects and the drawbacks of the therapy he received (obviously the benefits far outweigh the draw-backs, but apparently the medication he needed is not without controversy). My takeaway is that Dash was sicker than we realized, and much sicker than a typical 35 weeker "should" be. So I'm basking in thankful reflectiveness tonight. For my babies and their health and this gift I've somehow received.

Drawing a Blank

I've been trying to blog off and on throughout the day. And yet, I made zero progress. Like, the page was totally blank until just now. I guess that's how it's going to be for a little while, while I do anything but attend to the most urgent need of whichever family member is displaying said need. Meaning, I've found myself going from feeding one person, to getting another to sleep, to changing a diaper, to feeding another person.... you get it. The good news is, I do get to shower once it gets to the point that even a dirty diaper isn't as urgent as my third or fourth day shower. :) And we all get fed eventually!

In reality though, what we're doing right now isn't exactly hard. It's certainly time consuming, but the difficulty comes in trying to go in a hundred directions while sleep deprived. Nothing gets our full attention it seems, but the work isn't particularly difficult. Unless you count me giving up cow's milk dairy. That's no milk, yogurt, CHEESE, butter, etc. That's hard. But it appears that Dash may have a sensitivity to the dairy in my diet, so out they go. I will miss them sincerely.

In Dash news, he is literally changing every day. It's amazing to think about the cellular development taking place in that little body. He's gaining 1-2 ounces a day, and it's very visible. Every night he looks a little rounder and fuller, not to mention cuter. :) He's got a bit of a diaper rash, which is frustrating, and his sleep seems to be rocky at night. He seems to sleep best when held by me (of course, I do not sleep best while holding a baby), but we're both compromising some and making do. His tummy seems to bother him too, which is sad to see (he gets writhy and red-faced and very vocal, even in his sleep). He's nursing like a champ, and we've entered one of my favorite nursing stages: he's still little enough to curl around my body, but he's aware enough that he gets this little barracuda look in his eyes as he looks side to side quickly right before he latches on and starts the sweet "suck, suck, swallow" rhythm that is just so intoxicating to us both. And he places his little hands on me, and I want to melt into him as his eyes roll back and he drifts into sleep. I adore this.

In Ellie news, she'll be TWO next week. I can't hardly believe that we're about to enter our third year with her - I never thought I'd be so lucky in all my life to have someone like her as mine. She's just wonderful, even when she makes me want to scream in the frustration that comes from the attempts to parent and re-direct a strong willed two year old. She's magic though, and she's getting a bike for her birthday. And, my parents got a new puppy, who she believes is a playmate just for her. And the puppy (Knute!) seems to think that it's his responsibility to look after the little blonde toddler. He's already so gentle and protective - we're all hopeful that this is going to be the start of a lifelong friendship.

Settling In

I'm no parenting expert, but I've figured out that as soon as you start to understand your child in any particular phase of life, and develop a strategy for dealing with it, they pull a switcheroo on you and throw a new curveball your way. Keeping that in mind, I'm sure with two kids we'll be reevaluating our status-quo almost daily. BUT, for the time being, we're settling in pretty nicely. Dash has been home 1 week and 1 day, and while I don't remember being this exhausted, well... ever, the family unit is running pretty smoothly.

morning snuggles with two babies

why yes, her finger is up her nose!

we like to challenge gender stereotypes in clothing. also: Dash's habit of peeing on his clothing means he frequently wear's Ellies' old clothes...

I will admit though - I may just be saying this because it was an unheard of 70 degrees and sunny today, and we had a super fun afternoon complete with mini-pony rides and toy train rides for Eleanor. All four of us were happy today, so the world felt like all was right. Even though when we came home from the park, and changed four dirty diapers in 30 minutes, gave an impromptu sink bath to Dash, and took a full hour to cook pasta (I think I boiled and turned off the water a total of four times thanks to the aforementioned diaper changes and whatnot), we are so happy tonight.

But, back to my point - things are going pretty smoothly. Most importantly, and most relieving to see, is that Ellie seems quite taken with her little brother. She rushes to "hug" and "kiss" him when he fusses (and by this, I mean putting her whole head on top of his and leaning in saying, "ooohhh...." in a rather crushing kind of way), always wants to see him, watch us change his diapers, etc. She hates when he pees on things (and apparently, being a boy, he pees on everything ALL THE TIME! He'll go through four changes of clothes by noon, and yes, we are "tucking it down") and hates having to share her old baby gear with him. Seeing him in the stroller or baby swing sets her off, but otherwise, she seems to really like the little guy. We haven't seen any big behavioral disruption from her (although we did see her climb out of her crib. three times in one day. looks like it's big girl bed transition time...) but are wary that they could come.

Dash is doing great. He's a great little eater and is pretty much on a 2 1/2 to 3 hour schedule. That means sleep is pretty interrupted, but he's still pre-term (38 weeks tomorrow) so I'm going to feed him as often as he appears interested. He had his first pediatrician appointment this week and we found out he'd gained 7 ounces in the 5 days since he'd been discharged, so our pediatrician assured us that we had nothing to worry about in that sense. He does seem to have some fussy/uncomfortable period in the evening before bed (gas maybe? reflux?) which results in him taking forever to settle down. Of course, this coincides with exactly when I start to find it impossible to keep my eyes open, so that's a nice challenge. He'll sleep fine in his bassinet throughout the day, but won't want to at all in the night, so the last couple nights he's ended up in bed with me while Peter moves to the couch. I miss my husband, but need the sleep, and the attachment time with my baby certainly is useful.

First Pediatrician checkup! Results: "a star"

As far as attachment goes, I think we're all progressing. He felt pretty foreign to me at first (certainly he did while he was in the hospital), but we're getting there. He is definitely the sweetest little boy I've ever laid my eyes on, and complete perfection in every way.

Processing Dash's Birth

I'm having a hard time processing Dash's birth and subsequent events right now. At first, it was easy to overlook the sadness surrounding the events - I was so busy with balancing the NICU life with home life, and still reeling (in a positive way) from the post-birth hormones, adrenaline, etc. Now that things have settled down (thankfully!), I'm left to try to face and process my feelings - something that's always been tough for me, as an expert in issue avoidance.

I knew that I was having a hard time when I noticed all the pregnant women checking into the hospital while I was walking down the hall to the NICU. Seeing families waiting in the waiting room also brought some sadness, as did seeing babies being carried out to waiting cars. The worst was when I saw a lactation consultant advise a brand new mom who was nursing her baby. I believe I had my first of several  breakdowns that night; I so badly wanted to be the mom nursing her baby.

Dash is here. He's healthy and we love him so much. Obviously that's what matters most. Secondly, I'm doing great, and I feel better than I've felt in months. I certainly wish that I was able to carry him longer and not subject him (and all of us) to the NICU stay, but I'm the first to admit that it's been such a relief to feel human and healthy again. There are a lot of silver linings to the situation, and we've spent a lot of time pointing them out over the last couple of weeks. But, I do believe that birth matters. I believe the whole experience matters, and I'm having a hard time reconciling the beautiful birth of my beloved son with the events with rapidly followed, and seemed to have overridden the birth experience. To be honest, it just feels like such a major let-down, after so many months of planning and dreaming about how my next baby would enter the world.

Here's the strange thing: I pretty much had the birth experience that I really wanted. Yes, it took a long time to bring labor on, and yes, I was synthetically augmented, but the big parts of the day went as close as to "plan" as any birth ever does (most likely). The people I really wanted present were able to be there. I was able to do it without any pain medication. I wanted to try different laboring techniques (such as in the bath), and I even wanted to give natural induction techniques a try, if it came down to it. My baby girl was well looked after and happy while I was away. She even got to wake up and get put to bed by my mom, something which I really wanted to happen. I even dared to wish that the day would start by my water breaking before labor actually began (something that only happens in 10% of pregnancies), which did happen, AND to be even pickier about the how's and when's of the whole thing - I wanted my water to break sometime in the night. Which it did. And, I was only in transition for a couple of minutes, and I pushed the baby out in 7 minutes. When you're doing it without pain meds, every minute feels like an eternity, so this was certainly welcome with open arms. :)

But, Dash was born prematurely. And he was in severe respiratory distress. He was placed on my chest, but soon after was taken to where he could get the medical care he needed. Dash seemed to leave the room as quickly as he arrived, and left with Peter. As soon as I was cleaned and presentable, my mom and aunt came in to share in the moment. But, it was 4 am, and almost everyone at the hospital with me had been up since early in the previous morning. People left to go home and try to get some sleep. My sister fell asleep in the pull out bed beside me. Peter came back from the NICU to give me a status update on the little boy who I'd given birth to, yet was a stranger to me. Then he went to get some sleep as well. In the meantime, the nurse decided I was bleeding too heavily and started me on more pitocin to stimulate more contractions. She promised it wouldn't hurt as badly as labor, but it almost did. And so there I was - alone and breathing through contractions. No baby inside me to motivate me, just the morning sun coming up to remind me that it was another new day I was starting while still not having really slept for more than 2 out of the past 48 hours. I think about that memory and I'm struck by the fact that despite being so lonely and isolated, I doubt I would have wanted any company. All I wanted was a do-over and to see my baby. (As it was, it would be several days before I held him).

After Eleanor was born, we had a joyous party with many attendees. The contrast between experiences is so stark. For someone who believes in the significance of birth, I'm struggling to see it in this one. It feels like the whole experience was so overshadowed so quickly. Further, it feels like it never really happened. There was no time to process or reflect - instead, we moved on quickly to the next phase of life, as though this never happened. Even then, it was like we had two separate lives, and our "home life" (vs "hospital life") was almost the exact same. No influx of baby items, just going through the motions like before. I found myself wondering if I was ever really pregnant at all.

Of course, I'm typing this with a baby boy sleeping peacefully on my chest, with baby items cluttering the room. So despite the start, 15 days later, things are "normal" for life with a newborn. And I'm thankful. And, he just let out a big ol' burp, which hopefully will settle his tummy enough to allow me to get a little sleep in the next couple hours. :) Still though, I'm just having a tough time processing the way this whole experience started.

That's all. Thanks for listening. Does anyone else want a birth experience re-do?

All Around Update

First, I want to say thank you to everyone who has reached out to me over the last two weeks with encouragement and kind words. It means so much to know there are people out there who are rooting for us. Heck, just to know there are people reading the words I write in this space is pretty cool! I know that our experience with a premature baby and our NICU stay pales in comparison to so many families, but it was our experience, and it was hard enough as it was. My heart goes out even more to families with extended hospital stays. 11 days was no walk in the park, so I can only begin to imagine what months of that must be like.

 Peter just left to pick up some light bulbs, which means that for the first time, I have both babies alone. Five minutes in, and we're doing okay... :) I took Ellie alone to the grocery store today (an attempt to get my stuff together and start "making" meals again. I use quotations because of course we went to Trader Joe's, and I got pretty much all frozen, pre-prepared meals. Hey, at least I'm sorta trying!) and she was so happy to spend one-on-one time with her mama. This is probably the first solo outing we've had in many, many weeks and it felt great to be alone with my happy big girl. Even more remarkable, I left my baby boy at home with no problems. I would NEVER have left Ellie at 2 weeks old. I'm not sure if this is a post-NICU thing, and I'm just sadly used to not having him around, or if it's a second baby thing.

Speaking of, I think it's going to be difficult for the first couple of weeks to determine if how I parent Dash (in the beginning) is a result of his time in the NICU, or a result of him being the second baby. I'm way more comfortable with him "unattended" in his bassinet while I take care of things in other rooms, I'm not co-sleeping at all (I think Ellie was in bed with me/us until she was at least 4 weeks old), etc. I'm trying to make up for lost time with lots of snuggling, but it's hard given that I usually have someone else hanging off me as well.

Dash is doing great. He's definitely still jaundiced, and I'm curious if his levels have even increased. He looks pretty yellow to us, so his pediatrician appointment on Tuesday can't come fast enough. He's nursing like a champ though, and his diapers need frequent (seriously!) changes. He's a sleepy little guy, and wakes only to nurse (pretty much every two hours). I cannot wait until my supply regulates with his demand - as of right now, I'm probably making at least triple what he needs, and I'm finding myself pumping way more than I'd like to, just to take a little pressure off. I know this is creating more demand, but it's so uncomfortable (I use that word lightly) I can't help it. I'm also curious what kind of development is "normal" for a 35 week baby. Do we use an adjusted age, and expect milestones 5 weeks later? He's considered late preterm, so I'm not sure how much we need to adjust. For example, I know a lot of babies have a growth spurt at 2 weeks. Would Dash have one around 2 weeks? 7? Somewhere in between? I know that milestones are always on individual babies timelines, but I'm still curious. He's been cluster feeding the last couple nights, and I'm hoping it's because he's about to put on the fat!

I'm doing pretty well too. Physically, I feel completely recovered from the birth (and have for at least a week - yay for quick second stage of labor!) and while I'm completely exhausted, I'm pretty sure that's just being the mama of a newborn. While I hadn't entirely forgotten what engorgement feels like, my body is still reminding me multiple times a day. In fact, if Dash goes 2 1/2 hours or more without eating, I feel it like WHOA. I'm experiencing the same hot and cold flashes that came with Ellie - being freezing cold then  ridiculously hot, but much more emotional side effects than the first time around. I've found myself prone to tearing up, or full on crying, very easily (so unlike me), and my fuse is very short. I'm easily annoyed and quick to lose it entirely, so I'm hoping that will pass fast! My appetite is much less than it was postpartum before - in fact, it's basically normal, bordering on pretty diminished. Usually when I'm stressed I eat a lot, but the opposite happened with our NICU time. I think it's my body giving me a break from all the calorie-demanding it had been doing for the last 35 weeks...

We're thrilled to have Dash home and be finally living all together under one roof. I was so worried about life with two babies, but compared to the first 11 days, having two in the same house is a breeze (so far)! We're happy and healthy, changing lots of diapers and eating what we can when we can. All in all, pretty fantastic. :)

Happiness

My living room looks like it imploded on itself. My kitchen is a disaster. It's 9pm and my not-even-two-yea-old daughter is wide awake, making kitty noises through the monitor. Her dinner tonight? Mac & Cheese from a box and two bottles (yes, baby bottles) of breastmilk. I haven't had more than an hour's worth of consecutive sleep in many nights, but I'm overcome with happiness tonight, because at last, my two babies are under one roof where they belong.

The best shot we could get of our two kids together! Blame the toddler...

I'm so grateful. So thankful that our boy is healthy and free from the wires and monitors which kept him at the hospital, thankful for the incredible hospital staff who walked with us through our stay, and thankful for the modern medicine which surely kept him alive when he was in such respiratory distress. Most definitely I'm thankful that the hospital we've been camped out in is not only 7 minutes away, but one of the best in the country for it's NICU.

I'm thankful for my big girl, who is smitten with her baby brother. She's protective of him and seems pretty darn in love with him already. She's been such a trooper for the last 11 days, and despite some pretty epic meltdowns, she's done amazingly.

What I came home to the other morning. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree(s)!

I'm thankful for my husband who has held our family together, rocked me to sleep and recognized my stress and reacted appropriately and kindly. Thankful for my family who have stepped up every day with whatever we've asked from them, provided meals, childcare and support.

Grandma-mama and her two babies

The gang toasting Dash's arrival. Party at our house, without us!

I'm thankful the sun was out today when it was finally our turn to walk our new baby out and put him in the car under the watchful eye of the nurse, as her last official duty before we drove away.

And I'm so thankful for this little guy, who filled a gap I didn't know I had.

So happy. So happy.