Her little body is dressed in slightly too-big pj's, making her look like she's swimming in a sea of pink. Her sweaty head is pressed up against the crook of my arm and she snores in and out with each rocking motion of my chair. I cannot bring myself to put her down. She has my own nightgown grasped tightly in her chubby baby hands and her little rosebud lips have a string of drool connecting my body to hers.
This girl and I are locked together as one. Every cell in her body was once a cell in mine. My heart slowly breaks at the thought of us growing apart. It will start with me going back to work and end some day when she walks into her dorm room for the very first time. So tonight, she can sleep in my arms - the experts who tell me to not rock her to sleep be damned.
She will be babysat next week by two awesome women. One, my own mama who I know now would do anything for me. Being a mama to my own sweet baby girl, I have a new understanding of how much my mom loves me. She has three girls and now one more has joined her heart. She loves Ellie like her own baby girl. Along with my mom we have a very good family friend who will watch Ellie. This friend I completely trust will love on our girl as well. Ellie will be in good hands. With next Tuesday inching closer I lost sight of my goal of teaching Ellie to go to sleep on her own. Originally, this was the plan - I was sure it would make life for whoever watches Ellie much easier. It probably would. But I cannot bear the thought of having her cry at night alone in her crib right now, even if it's just for a moment or two. Someday she will, but this week and tonight is not our time to cut this cord. I realize that she is a security blanket for me as much as I am to her; after all, she has been with me for almost a year. While I was pregnant with her, I would imagine that she could think my thoughts and would have a nonstop dialogue with the baby poking me in my belly. She was my little partner then as she is now. Every day as my love for her grows deeper and stronger, she grows more independant, so tonight I hold her while she sleeps and marvel at my miracle. I love this girl so.