Backward Progress

Remember how I said I was going to stop whining and complaining because no one likes a whiner? I feel like I go one step forward and two steps back when it comes to fixing my attitude. The truth is that it is 5:37 on a Friday night, I'm completely exhausted and a large part of me wishes I could toss responsibility aside, pour myself a couple large glasses of wine after another, watch some trashy tv and pass out, with every intention of sleeping for 12 hours. The reality is that while Ellie is asleep right now (thank you universe!!) she will only stay asleep as long as I keep busy - the second I put my feet up she'll call out for me. Then I'll be hanging out/dealing with her for a couple of hours (although bedtime is at 7, we've kissed going to bed on time goodbye with this early evening nap), wrangling dinner (for both of us), bathtime (for one), pjs, diapers, books, cuddles, etc. Then she'll fall asleep (she'd good at this) but stay asleep for 40 minutes until she calls out for me again (she's good at this too - and by good at this, I mean bad at sleeping soundly these days). My attitude needs an adjustment.

I think coming home when it's already dark out adds all sorts of new stress when there is a baby who I am so desperate to get home to. I've always hated leaving work after dark (who likes it anyway?), but it feels SO MUCH later when I'm aching for my girl. The whole commute I'm willing away my anxiety that I'm late, she's waiting for me, etc... The reality is that I'm not late, it's the same time I've always gotten home, it just feels that way. This in turn makes me resent being away from her (not resent my employer - BIG difference!) and generally just sad. Also, I've added in another pumping session at work (TMI perhaps?) in attempt to get my supply to a place which keeps up with my growing girl, and it really does suck being hooked up to a machine like a dairy cow three times a day. But, I'm certainly not near quitting yet, so dairy cow for me it is.

honestly though, I'd doing anything for this girl

So, that sums up Regression Category 1: my attitude adjustment, or lack there-of

Next up - Category 2: Ellie's sleep, or lack there-of.

(No joke - she just cried out for me, as I wrote that. Girl's got timing down!)

We had to start some light training to get her to sleep better a couple weeks ago, but then I got sick and the whole thing regressed. The purpose of our training was to accomplish the following: 1) teach Ellie to put herself back to sleep, 2) lessen her dependance on me for bedtime and strengthen her relationship with Peter on this particular area (as it currently stands, she adores him all other areas of the day, but if he goes to soothe her in the middle of the night, God help us all) and 3) get our whole household sleeping better. She did okay sleeping through the night until she got sick, then the whole thing fell apart.

This is where we were last night: 7pm - I rock her to sleep 7:30: She cries, I rock her again. 8:15: cries, more rocking. 9:15: cries, still more rocking (see a pattern?) 10:30... cries, rocking. 12:30: cries, I kick poor Peter out of bed, bring Ellie to bed with me, nurse her to sleep. 2: cries, I snuggle her. 3:30: cries, nurse to sleep... 5am: tosses and turns, I am wide awake. Needless to say, we've gotten back to square one with the whole "sleep training thing." Not only did she completely need me all night long, but nobody got any sleep at all. And today? The lingering barking cough she's had since mid-October sounds much, much worse (croup's back! Yay!). So, perhaps we're bound to repeat the last couple of months...

So where are we? I've got a bad attitude, I'm sad to be away from my baby and nobody is sleeping. Least of all Peter who was stuck at the office until 4:00AM (!!!!) on Thursday morning and called me again tonight saying, "might be another late night...." fantastic. Not that I can't easily handle the baby by myself, but I do wish he was here with us, especially as, selfishly, if we've got another "late night" on our hands, that means tomorrow it's all me until 1pm or so when he wakes up from being at work until the wee hours.

The good news in all this complaining? It's December 2nd! Which means in 20 days, the days start getting longer again!! Can't come soon enough... in the meantime, any suggestions on a prompt change of attitude and/or getting a baby to sleep through the night without full on crying it out? (I'm too weak - I try! But then I fail!)

this girl's ready for winter!