Saturday, December 17, 2011

third times the charm?

This is my third attempt at a new post in the last couple weeks. I keep trying to no avail. I can't come up with the words I want to say - I suppose that's because I don't even know what to say.

My brain is in a fog right now, despite all that I seem to miraculously accomplish on a given day. Not that I'm having any fun doing any of it, or feel any satisfaction from completion of anything. I'm on autopilot right now, and have that little mantra from Finding Nemo stuck in my head, "just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."

Between getting ready for work, commuting there, working and commuting home, I'm averaging just a couple hours a day at home. These hours are precious to me, but somehow I find that I can't even soak them in. Despite my best attempts to be focused and in the moment with Ellie, I am drawn to the many other tasks that need to get accomplished. I feel awful about it, but the moment I get home (after spending 2 - 2 1/2 hours a day in the car!), I set her up to play by herself and run around trying to take care of everything that needs taking care of - washing pump parts (mandatory), trying to scrounge up dinner (not mandatory, but the alternative is costly takeout, which I hate doing), getting bottles set up for the next day, throwing something in the washing machine, etc... Ellie starts squaking and I "play" with her, only to be thinking that I need Peter to come home so I can finish whatever chores are left on my plate. It's with a heavy heart that I've been going to bed lately - I feel so awful that I can't dedicate more of my time to her. Not just for her to get to be with her mama more, but for me to be with her - she is my heart's joy. I soak in every second of rocking her to sleep and when she wakes in the night, I don't mind at all anymore because even though it means I will be even more tired the next day, it also means I get just 10 extra minutes with my baby.

What's even harder is that all of this chaos seems to be escalating, and it's the holidays, which are supposed to be about peace and joy, but for me right now all it means is extra stuff on my plate. Thank GOD for Seriously - I've yet to set foot in a real store this year!

I spend the days and nights fantasizing about what changes could be made in my life to free up some room. I may have found an answer, but the grass is always greener, so we'll see.

On a side note - Ellie is so much dang fun right now. The girl changes every day it seems and has gone from a baby to a little kid in the last couple of weeks. She's starting to pull herself up, has a little tooth, talks and babbles all the time, laughs when she thinks things are funny (any dog is always good for a chuckle!) and even looks older and smarter. I loved the newborn stage, but this stage, despite it's challenges, takes the cake.

And with that, she's waking from her 2 1/2 hour nap. Poor baby *may* be coming down with something (fingers crossed that she isn't!), but the flip side is that she is sleeping like a dream! So, I'll sign off and leave you with a random assortment of pictures from the last couple of weeks. :)
just chillin at the cabin

surprsingly mobile for not actually crawling yet


prunes. :)



  1. Just keep swimming is a perfect mantra. Ellie is a darling and in a few years, she can help with a few chores! Now if only we could train our cats to do some chores too!

  2. Despite the chaos, you are doing a great job raising such a happy and sweet little girl. She has such a good mommy (and daddy), and I hope things calm down soon! Love you Jules!