Wednesday, March 27, 2013

A Shell of Myself

I've spent the last hour parked on the couch, staring aimlessly at blogs and trying to meal plan for the week, and my mind is drifting in and out of various states of alertness. It's noon, and I've already had one nap today, and I'm so, so tired. When I woke up from my nap at 9:40 AM (yeah - before 10am and I'd already taken a 40 minute catnap), I realized that (not counting nighttime sleeping), I'd taken two couch naps in the last 16 hours. Awesome. Third trimester - 2, me - 0.

I'm not digging for reassurance or trying to put myself down, but I feel like a shell of my former self right now. Even physically - I look only vaguely similar to how I used to, and I'm not entirely sure it's just pregnancy weight. It's just that between trying to raise a toddler and grow a (very high maintenance) fetus, and try to take care of myself or my husband in any way, there is literally no room in my head for anything else. I just feel so... boring.

I mean, I had a whole post typed up on Ellie's rash this week before deleting it. Because yeah, no one really wants to hear about that. :) At least I recognized that before I bored you all with the details. And honestly, rehashing the story of the most exciting (and draining) thing that happened to me this week (my daughter's mysterious full body hives) is boring even for me.

I want to be more than this. I crave normalcy and energy and having anything at all interesting to say. My sweet husband assures me I'm "still fun to be around," but... yeah - I'm not. I have zero reserves right now. If you asked me what's new, I'd either tell you about what I ate for breakfast (coffee cake. I made it! An accomplishment, before 8am!), how Ellie didn't sleep last night, the stress fracture on my foot which is causing me all sorts of fun walking pain, the new stretch marks on my belly, or that we painted the bathroom. Gotta dig deeper, here.

At least I still watch the news. At least there's that connection to the outside world. But again, current events aren't really a super interesting topic of conversation, when all it really means is that you're basically rehashing the opinions of pundits.

I have this dream, that summer will come, I will have energy again (yes, even with a newborn, I think I'll have more energy than I have now) and I'll be able to slowly bounce back to someone more. Sigh. In the meantime, I'm counting down the days.

1 comment:

  1. I think this is probably a totally normal feeling, so don't be too hard on yourself - I am sure it will pass. But in the meantime, be good to yourself OK lady... naps and massages and eating well. It will all go a long way!