Dash day 6

I promise I'll continue the birth story, but tonight, I'm just exhausted. I'm so exhausted that I'm willfully skipping going to the hospital tonight for a late night visit with my boy. I need to try to take care of myself just a teeny bit.

I told Peter the other day that I have four categories in my life which are taking up my attention, and room for absolutely nothing else at this time. I have Baby #1 (Eleanor) at home, Baby #2 (Dash) at the hospital, pumping every 2-3 hours round the clock, and category four is shower/try to eat/sleep on occasion. Try to talk to me about anything else and it goes right over me.

So, yeah - we're pretty tired. But the good (GREAT) news is that Dashiell is doing fantastically today. He turned a major corner two nights ago, and continued with the huge steps forward progress today. I went in this morning and his oxygen had dropped from a 4 to a 3, and he was continuing with stable respirations. His bilirubin levels also dropped dramatically. When Peter and I went back around noon, he was completely off the oxygen support entirely! No nasal cannula, no oxygen machine, nothing. And, he continues to hold pretty steady with respirations. They still fluctuate a decent amount, but this is just fabulous. Plus, you can see his sweet face, and he looks just like his daddy. Like, twinsies. :)

Last night when we went in, the nurse let us try to nurse for the first time! I was so overjoyed with this news, and even more so when Dash literally latched right on and went to town. This boy knows what to do, for sure. In fact, he might even be a bit too eager, as he fell asleep very shortly after he started. Hopefully he'll get his stamina up soon and we can start nursing a lot more. Starting tomorrow (probably), we will nurse prior to him getting his feeding via feeding tube. While this is even more fabulous news for Dash (and me!), this means that life is going to get even more hectic. He has 8 feedings a day, and they'd like me to be there for as many as possible, which will likely mean sleeping at the hospital (and feeding him, then pumping, every three hours) and going back and forth a lot during the day. We'll need to figure out how best to keep Eleanor calm and give her the parent attention she craves, without compromising his feedings at the hospital too much.

We brought Ellie back this evening for her second visit. She saw pictures of him under the blue phototherapy lights a couple days ago and has called him Blue Baby ever since. She waved at him through his isolette, and his respirations went right up. I'm guessing this is a picture of their relationship to come!

Ellie's doing much, much better as well. We've really tried to get as much quality time with her as possible the last two days, and it shows in her attitude. She's much happier and calmer. We took her to the lake this afternoon to visit with my family and give her a change of pace (she's basically been in our home for the last 7 days straight) and she's been so happy ever since. Major relief all around tonight.

And with that, I head to bed. Or first - shower, maybe start a load of laundry (probably not, who am I kidding?), pump, wash pump parts, then go to bed. :) Sadly, I didn't upload any new Dash pics today, but here are two cuties of my first baby, taken by my sister.

Surprise! Special Delivery!

Oh, sweet baby Dash. So eager to join the world, but not quite ready. His story is quite different than his sister's, but first, a daily update.

He's doing really well today. I was greeted early this morning by great news: bilirubin levels down considerably, oxygen pressure (the measure of breathing support he needs) fell from a 5 to a 4 (at a 3 or below we can try nursing! This makes me SO happy) and his respirations (the primary "problem" spot for Dash) went from consistently clocking in around 90 breaths per minute to 50, which is right where they should be. We came back this afternoon, and found that his IV is out! Even better news. This means he's receiving all his feeds from me, via his feeding tube. It's great to see him without a clunky, uncomfortable IV, and according to his nurse, he passed out as soon as it was out - so comfortable. Can't blame him. :)

Now for his birth story. Or maybe just the first 18 hours of it.

I'm pretty sure I had what might be considered as an "irritable uterus." Yes, that's a true term. I felt Braxton Hicks contractions regularly from the very beginning of my second trimester, and by last Saturday, not only were they regular, but getting pretty painful. Some of them I found myself even breathing through. Just under two weeks before he was born, I had an unexpected trip to the midwives office, because I was having so many. She checked me out, and I wasn't dilated at all, and performed what's called a Fetal Fibronectin Test, which tests if you will be going into labor within the next two weeks. A negative result is 98-99% accurate, and my test came back negative. I didn't think about it again, but apparently I'm in the 2%. The following week, I had another midwife appointment, and again - despite an increase in uterine activity, no progress. Great.

last belly pic, 35 weeks

On Saturday the 13th, I was in a ton of pain. Pressure was almost keeping me from walking and the contractions were stopping me in my tracks. But - they weren't picking up in frequency or intensity, so I thought nothing of it. Spent most of the day on the couch, but also went for a nice long drive through a very random hail storm. (For what it's worth, I'm a huge believer in barometric pressure changes bringing on labor. It's happened to me twice now). That night we went to bed at 11 or so, and around 1:30 I woke up to use the bathroom. When I came back to bed, I curled up, rolled over and GUSH!

For a split second I thought maybe it wasn't my water. But the gushing continued and I hustled to the bathroom to check it out. Clear fluid, obviously amniotic in nature. (Funny story: my water broke in the exact same way and in the exact same place as it did with Eleanor!). Came back to the bedroom, turned out the lights and completely freaked out Peter by telling him my water broke. My heart was pounding through my chest. There is literally nothing like the shock and excitement of knowing that you're about to have a baby. We rushed around like chicken with our heads cut off, throwing things into bags and calling my mom to come watch Ellie. Eventually I realized I should call the midwife, who assured me that if the water was clear, I was fine to stay home until labor started (at this point, I wasn't having any more contractions at all. In fact, they had slowed to probably their lowest level in months). While some people definitely prefer this method, I think we were so amped up, and had no idea what to do with ourselves, so we decided to head to the hospital again.

(side note: we went in through the Emergency Room entrance because they were the only doors unlocked. The security guard took one look at me and let me pass. Score!)

After getting admitted, Peter and I tried to get some rest. Going back to sleep after this kind of adrenaline rush is nearly impossible, and I completely failed. One of my biggest concerns about going into labor was making sure my sister would arrive in time. We expected a quick delivery, and she lives three hours away. I started calling her at 2:15 in the morning or so, and continued calling her every hour on the hour. I sent text after text, and still nothing. Finally at 6:30, she answered her phone and immediately jumped on the road, assuming she might not make it. I waited a little longer to call my best friend Kelli who would be photographing (and supporting too!), as her 30th birthday was the day before and she was at a nearby casino/hotel celebrating/gambling/drinking etc.

In the meantime, I laid as flat as possible, willing my body to not go into labor yet, and willing the contractions to not start. I got my wish. Nothing happened, and by the time both my sister and Kelli arrived, I was no closer to being in labor than when the day started. Everyone's assumption was that once labor started, it would go fast.

When the girls finally arrived, we tried everything we could think of - walking, lunges, squats, bouncing on the ball, walking up and down hills (outside around the hospital!), pumping (to stimulate the oxytocin), etc. My midwife checked me at 9am, and I was 2cm dilated, 70% effaced and the baby was high, at -2 station. While I had contractions throughout the day, I could tell that nothing was really happening (although, I assumed I was dilating slowly). By 6pm, my mom and aunt (who had joined us after finding backup care for Ellie) went home to put Ellie to bed and Kelli went home to put her kids to bed. By 7pm, the first midwife's shift was over and the second began.

bouncing

waiting!

taking bets. We revised our bets several times

lunges! I've been told several times since then that "oh you were the girls who were lunging down the halls!" Apparently, this is unusual...

Just out for a stroll...

Relaxing. :)

My birth plan was to avoid artificial augmentation or induction at all costs. I hated the idea of being attached to any sort of IV and pitocin (aka, artificial oxytocin) scares the heck out of me for multiple reasons. Needless to say, when the second midwife came in at checked me, I had made zero progress and she carefully (to respect my wishes) but firmly (to communicate the need) said it was time to move forward with pitocin. I knew this was coming, but it totally broke my heart. Her concerns were very valid: at 35 weeks, our baby could have a hard enough time as it was transitioning from womb to air. If we were to introduce any sort of infection (and the risks of infection go up as the time goes on after a rupture of membranes), the baby's safety would be further compromised. Further, we'd tried pretty much everything, and had made zero progress in the 19 hours since rupture. After much deliberation (in hindsight, I think she just gave us the time so I could get adjusted to the idea), we agreed, at around 8:30 (with everyone who'd gone home to put babies to bed) an IV was inserted and a very low dose of pitocin was started. We assumed it would go fast at this point.

********

So - like labor, which I assumed would go fast, I also assumed this blog post would go fast. :) Haha. It's taken me all day to write this out (thanks, having two babies in two places!) so I'll finish tomorrow. I hate birth stories which are To Be Continued, but.... oh well. Cutting myself some slack, here!

Greetings, Dash!

Just over a week ago, I titled a post "Six Week Countdown." Apparently, I was assuming that I'd go the full 40 weeks. A week later, I had a baby. That was three days ago.

This is Dash. Dashiell Jack Lucas Lacy is his full name, born at 35 weeks, weighing 6 lbs 7 oz and measuring 20.5 inches long. He's perfect and beautiful and we love him so incredibly much already.

Because of his early delivery, he'll be camping out in the NICU while he learns to breathe on his own, and then masters the art of eating. We're hoping it won't be too long, but we're encouraging him to grow at his own pace.

We've had a constant request for updates from family and friends (the benefit of having such a wonderful extended support network), so I've decided to use this blog as a way to keep everyone up to date, hopefully daily while he's in the hospital. Tomorrow I hope to get his birth story written out, but apparently life with two small children, one at home and one in the NICU, combined with pumping every 2-3 hours is pretty time consuming.

So, the big questions are "Why is Dash in the hospital?" and "How's he doing?" Here's what's going on. He was born 5 weeks early, and he's a boy (big boy!), and often, for whatever reason, boys take a little longer to develop than girls - especially their lungs. On top of that, apparently his lungs are a  little underdeveloped for 35 weeks. So, he's breathing pretty rapidly (currently around 90 breaths per minute) while his lungs are developing. That being said, he doesn't need any supplemental oxygen support, he just needs pressure to help keep his lungs open. This is our primary concern, and he's already shown a good amount of improvement since his birth (however, it's a slow going process). Upon his birth, he was intubated (had a breathing tube down his throat), but his improvement led him to receive a CPAP instead (little breathing mask apparatus) and last night he was moved to a nasal canula (two pronged device in his nose). The next step is to decrease the help the canula provides, and then wean him off entirely.

He started receiving feeds (my milk) yesterday and their plans are to slowly increase his feeding volumes, while decreasing what he's been receiving from his IV (supplemental nutrition in the form of lipids and an electrolyte combo). This is great news. Once he's done with the oxygen support he'll get to start trying and learning to breastfeed, and once he's mastered that he'll come home. We both got to hold him yesterday for some time, but today we're holding off, as he's developed a good amount of jaundice and must stay under the phototherapy lights until his jaundice levels improve.

This whole process could take some time. We've heard everything from a week or so, to "closer to his due date." Obviously, we'd prefer the first, but whatever it takes to bring him home healthy. This will be an exercise in patience, for sure, but we're so happy with the care he's being provided with, and know that we're super lucky in the large scheme of things. He could be so much sicker, we're so close to the hospital (7 minutes!) and it's one of the best hospitals in the country.

And big sister Eleanor? She's adjusting... sort of. She had the time of her life while we were in the hospital giving birth, but now that we're home, she's showing definite signs of separation anxiety and general fussiness. It's hard - she's too young to understand what's going on, but knows that things are changing. We're going to try to make our time with her as intentional as possible, and extend her as much grace as we can when she melts down (the meltdowns we've seen in the last two days are the worst she's ever had). We'll get there. :)

More to come tomorrow, hopefully!

On Parenting

I wish I was more self-aware and deliberate about how I parent. I read inspirational blogs and articles written by mothers who really seem to understand themselves, their motivations and history and most importantly, their children, while so often I feel like I'm just over here, floundering.

Mostly, I feel like I fly by the seat of my pants in this whole parenting debacle. Sure, I have some ideas of how I'd like to run the show, but mostly I just seem to have a vague notion of what kind of people I'd like my children to become, and hope that somehow we'll get them there. Like - maybe simply by virtue of being part of this family, they'll turn out alright?

I'm pretty sure this is totally naive on my part though. My sister called me the other day to remind me not to be the "bitch who lets her asshole 3 year old run wild through the grocery store screaming." Thanks for that reminder, sis. I'm really hopeful that I won't be that bitch, and mostly that people won't see my kid and think, "wow, there's a lesson in what NOT to do." But I wonder if I'm doing everything I should be doing to keep those results from happening. Eleanor's entering a trying stage, for sure, and we're a little clueless about how to handle her mood swings and tantrums. Mostly though, I don't want to feel defeated at the end of every day, thinking about how rough it was on all of us, and how she's probably glad to be turning the page on this day. I want her to be happy, but recognize that happiness almost certainly lies in (or at least partially with) having the security of having boundaries, routine and structure.

It's funny how parenting seems to be this nonstop game of catch-up, and when you finally wrap your head around what's happening and why, the kid goes and changes and it starts all over again. Maybe that's one reason I'm looking forward to this new baby - a chance to do things from square one, and perhaps apply a bit of what we've learned the first time. Maybe it doesn't always feel this way for everyone. Maybe if you read the parenting books and study up on child development you aren't so caught off guard and can try to avoid always playing defense. I kinda doubt it though.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Side note: I'm feeling reflective in this moment, but truthfully, we had a very good day. Unlike yesterday, she woke up happy and stayed pretty happy most of the day. So that's a win. With a minor scuffle at dinner over her insistence on more cheese (don't know where she gets that from!) vs our insistence that she eat her chicken and rice first, and then she'd get more cheese, it was a pretty great day. She's talking happily through the monitor about puppies as she falls asleep, and while the living room is a slight mess, no one cares.

Other side note, almost entirely so I don't forget: I had to wear a 24 hour heart monitor starting at 4pm yesterday until 4pm this evening. I've had random bursts of tachycardia (one more fun thing about this pregnancy - a surging heart rate randomly throughout the day) and the cardiologist wanted to make sure my heart rhythms were normal. So envision a portable EKG device, and me with 5 electrode/lead things stuck to my chest. Two above shirt line, and three right below my bra, all attached to wires leading to a little pager looking device. Anyway, I told Ellie that they were "mama's owies" and she did pretty well not touching them, but kept saying "hi mama owie!" and giving them kisses. When I removed them, she said, "bye bye mama owie!" and "owie all gone!" and it was just so dang sweet. Also, she thought the pager thing was awesome and kept asking to hold it and use it as a cell phone. Smart kiddo. :)

Glimpse of our girl in a couple of years.

lunch is exciting!!

Doggie is forlorn he will NOT be sharing her lunch

Six Week Countdown

I'm camped out on the couch right now watching a Sesame Street DVD with my little buddy. We're munching on morning bagels with cream cheese, she's drinking some milk and I'm drinking my springtime favorite iced coffee and we're feeling pretty good this morning. She slept great and the baby in my belly gave me a well deserved break last night and only woke me once to use the bathroom. Winning!

(Although, Peter tells me that I've developed a new habit of snoring loudly during the night. Poor guy apparently moved to the couch to get away from me. I don't actually feel too badly about this. 1 - major pay back for the years of me "sleeping" next to his snoring and 2 - not my fault!).

Things have slowed waaaay down lately, and I'm so incredibly grateful for this time my husband is home with us. I'm just spent. Mentally, physically, emotionally, everything. I feel like I have so little to give right now, and am really looking forward to what will hopefully be a re-emergence of the old me in a couple of weeks. Peter took El all day yesterday while I went to a matinee showing of Jersey Boys with 7 other women in my  family. Very fun change of pace and relaxing, and I came home so rejuvenated. 34 weeks today, so we are right around the corner from meeting this new little person, and we are getting so excited.

So, for the record - here's where we are at 34 weeks.

• Huge! (obviously!)
• Started acupuncture a couple weeks ago, and so glad I did. Love it - and the woman I'm seeing does a combo of whatever she feels needs to be done. Massage/aromatherapy/acupuncture/etc. 
• Nausea is back, big time. V omitting  etc. Always a good way to start the morning. ;) I blame the terrific third tri heartburn.
• We *may* have names! Of course, this could change, but we're pretty zeroed in.
• Low back pain is intense.
• Swelling. I've sworn off shoes for the remainder of the pregnancy, and my rings are basically off for good. I indulged in two new maxi dresses from Target and am hoping that they can get me through.
• Contractions. Oh boy - braxton hicks contractions are frequent (6-8 an hour minimum, which is normal for me) and getting pretty painful at times. 
• Baby hiccups! Right now, as I type this...
• Appetite is leveling off. Weight, of course, is not. ;)
• Emotions are out of control. I'm not a crier, and have not been crier throughout either pregnancy, but the last week has been a little insane. Crying A LOT. And at anything.
• We have a very short shopping list which will be filled soon - basically just diapers and a few other small items - and we're done getting everything ready! We went from having done nothing to being completely ready to go (clothes washed, sorted, carseat ready, etc) in just two days. It's nice to know we're finally set.

And, so as not to forget our big girl, here are some recent pictures. She's just so funny right now - going back and forth between sweet as candy and making us want to pull our hair out. Her vocabulary is expanding, but she's still held back it seems by an inability to communicate at times what she wants. She's so strong willed and determined, and immediately breaks into tears when she doesn't get what she wants when she wants it. 6 weeks shy of two years old, and she's finally really connecting with reading books, starting to show us real imagination in her play (she loves to pretend she's a kitty), and is very affectionate. Can we really love another the way we love her? I trust we will, but for the next 6 weeks or so, she's the center of our worlds.

A Shell of Myself

I've spent the last hour parked on the couch, staring aimlessly at blogs and trying to meal plan for the week, and my mind is drifting in and out of various states of alertness. It's noon, and I've already had one nap today, and I'm so, so tired. When I woke up from my nap at 9:40 AM (yeah - before 10am and I'd already taken a 40 minute catnap), I realized that (not counting nighttime sleeping), I'd taken two couch naps in the last 16 hours. Awesome. Third trimester - 2, me - 0.

I'm not digging for reassurance or trying to put myself down, but I feel like a shell of my former self right now. Even physically - I look only vaguely similar to how I used to, and I'm not entirely sure it's just pregnancy weight. It's just that between trying to raise a toddler and grow a (very high maintenance) fetus, and try to take care of myself or my husband in any way, there is literally no room in my head for anything else. I just feel so... boring.

I mean, I had a whole post typed up on Ellie's rash this week before deleting it. Because yeah, no one really wants to hear about that. :) At least I recognized that before I bored you all with the details. And honestly, rehashing the story of the most exciting (and draining) thing that happened to me this week (my daughter's mysterious full body hives) is boring even for me.

I want to be more than this. I crave normalcy and energy and having anything at all interesting to say. My sweet husband assures me I'm "still fun to be around," but... yeah - I'm not. I have zero reserves right now. If you asked me what's new, I'd either tell you about what I ate for breakfast (coffee cake. I made it! An accomplishment, before 8am!), how Ellie didn't sleep last night, the stress fracture on my foot which is causing me all sorts of fun walking pain, the new stretch marks on my belly, or that we painted the bathroom. Gotta dig deeper, here.

At least I still watch the news. At least there's that connection to the outside world. But again, current events aren't really a super interesting topic of conversation, when all it really means is that you're basically rehashing the opinions of pundits.

I have this dream, that summer will come, I will have energy again (yes, even with a newborn, I think I'll have more energy than I have now) and I'll be able to slowly bounce back to someone more. Sigh. In the meantime, I'm counting down the days.

Friday Randoms

Without further delay (because I actually started - and by started, I mean gave this post a title - this post at the very beginning of the day), here's a random rundown of what's going on in my head.

• I'm still pregnant. Yay! We were given a minor chance of delivering this week (although, I do wonder - if a doctor says you have a 1% chance of delivering due to a possible complication at 31 1/2 weeks, what are the chances of delivery at that stage anyway? I bet it's at least 1%, but likely much higher) and it proved to be nothing. In fact, I'm so pregnant that even my feet look pregnant. Boy, at the end of the day do I have little sausage toes... 
• All three of our appointments went great this week, and we officially have no cause for concern on this little one's heart. Very happy to hear, and not really surprised at all. We truly felt like this was a case of technology being too far ahead of us, and we were right. Basically, when the problems were initially caught, it was almost certainly because the baby's heart was still in development and "learning" it's job. Both the perinatologist and pediatric cardiologist were pleasantly surprised, and I think they were both looking for scientific reasons to explain why there was such significant improvement. They both asked if I had either started or stopped taking any new medications (nope), or made any other changes (herbal supplements, etc). I honestly told them that the only change was that I've started indulging myself with a small glass of wine with dinner recently (ie, I've had three beverages over the last two weeks) and they both said, "well, keep it up!" DONE. Also? I celebrated with half a mojito with my fajitas that night, and it was so, so good. :)
• We've turned the corner on bedtime for Ellie this week and I am officially no longer rocking her to sleep. She's been successful every day, no tears at all, just happy chatter until she falls asleep. It's pretty hilarious to listen to her talking to her stuffed animals and wondering what she's saying. 
• She is SUCH a funny toddler - feels her emotions deeply. When she's upset, she's very, very upset, and then minutes later she's joyfully exuberant and full of happiness. I've heard this is very normal, and it's such a trip to watch her fluctuate between these extremes. At least we know when she's in the throes of her sorrow, she'll be happy again in three seconds.
• My husband is finding tons of projects to do around the house, and it's awesome. Some of our friends recently moved and the buyer of their old house was/is planning on demo-ing the whole home. So, we snagged some great items out of their old home, either intended for our current or future place. We got a new bathroom mirror, and we decided today to go ahead and do the removal of our old one. Turns out, the old mirror was both very large and very solid - it wouldn't even crack when he smacked the thing over and over again with a hammer. Eventually, he got the thing down, along with our old light fixture and after a quick trip to Home Depot for paint and a new fixture, he's happily painting the bathroom while I sit here with my feet up. Super excited to see our old, 1986 crappy powder room turn into something a little more modern. (verdict? He says it may be too girly. I think I like it. I need my sister to decide if we've done a good or bad job. Good thing she's coming up this week!)
• Part of nesting for me means wanting my family close to me all the time. I think there's just something primal about a woman nearing the end of a pregnancy to want to have her loved ones close (maybe evolutionarily speaking it's about the need for safety?). 
• I made a pineapple upside down cake on a whim last night, had a small amount, and am now wishing it was a yellow cake with chocolate frosting. Oh, the indecision of a pregnant lady
• 32 weeks tomorrow and managed to barely make it to the bathroom before projectile vomiting my breakfast everywhere. Love the third trimester nausea! (Did you know that some women don't get any morning sickness at ALL?? And some women's goes away after the first trimester? I don't believe it...)
• Pictures from the week:

Sweet friends having a snack. 

31 1/2 weeks

Hey, baby!

Beautiful afternoon at the park. Believe it or not, it was snowing when we woke up...